November 2004
Page 1 - Barnabas - A Leader Who Served By Dr. Mark Herringshaw
Page 2 - Beyond Offense By Paul Anderson
Page 3 - More Than Brazil Nuts! By Paul Anderson
Beyond Offense
By Paul AndersonJerry didn't like the way the church council meeting went, and especially the way Harvey led it. He talked about it afterward with two other members: "Harvey's too top-down, too bossy, like his opinion is the only one that counts." The others mildly agreed, fueling Jerry's mission to discredit Harvey. When one of Jerry's children had been involved in an incident at church two years ago, Harvey's straight-forward approach to handling the difficulty offended the laid-back style Jerry preferred to take.
Being offended is optional, not mandatory. You may, if you desire, choose not to be offended. Solomon says that "he who covers over an offense promotes love" (Proverbs 17:9). On the other hand, he describes offended people as locked up cities: "An offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city, and disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel" (Proverbs 18:19). An offended person lives in an unhealthy manner with relationships. Gossip and sowing discord are easy for offended people, as it now was for Jerry, who was mature in some ways and immature in others. Offended people are deceived into thinking that they have the right to slander. They are insensitive to the conviction of the Holy Spirit because of their injured hearts and callous attitudes, and they wreak havoc in the body of Christ.
Wounded people get wounded more easily. And wounded people wound other people. As much as they make vows like, "I'll never be like Dad," the negative emotional bond predisposes them to the same characteristics. Scripture encourages us to "bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (Col. 3:13). Those who think they have their rights make grievances an issue of justice: "This shouldn't happen to me; this is not fair. I deserve more than this." They are personally affronted-so they take it personally. Because of their insecurity, they choose to be offended and to press for justice.
What if we adopted the outlook of a servant, or better yet, a slave? Slaves have no rights, only responsibilities. They look for ways to serve, not to be served. And they will serve even those who are unkind to them as Jesus did. He came "not to be served but to serve and to give his life a ransom for many" (Matthew 20:28). So dying was on His mind more than living. It was written into His job description. He was not attempting to stay alive. He was giving Himself away. Before Paul tells us to "bear with each other," he says, "For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God" (3:3). Next comes the exhortation, "Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature…" (v.4). Because of the cross of Jesus, because He lived to die, we are empowered to live in the same way-and to die in the same way. What would be impossible is now an option for us. We can choose the outlook of a slave. Living as a slave frees us from the obligation of offense. Being offended seems like a privilege; in fact, it is a burden that imprisons us. Dying to ourselves enables us to rise above wounding. The healthier we are, the less we are offended. We walk in the security of knowing that we are loved and affirmed by God, so if someone overlooks us, it is not an unforgivable offense. If someone insults us, it does not degrade us because our confidence is not in what people think about us but in what God thinks about us. However, t is easier said than pulled off. We cannot do it unless we learn to receive love from the Father, unless we know how to be comforted by the Holy Spirit. No one can console us better. But often we choose the injury rather than the healing.
Why do we get offended?
Pride. We have an exalted view of ourselves. We think we deserve something better. That is why taking the attitude of a servant as Jesus did frees us from any obligation to our human nature. The lower we go, the less we are offended. People who go high are offended easily. Those who go low have no rights, no titles, no expectations, so they are not let down. The higher we go, the greater our expectations and the more often we are disappointed. If you get offended easily, you are a proud person.
Wounds. We have injuries not yet healed, which makes us more vulnerable. Wounded people are overly sensitive, like a guy with a sore arm. He walks defensively, because he doesn't want you to bump into it. Unforgiveness keeps wounds from healing. The more wounds, the more sensitive spots, and therefore, the greater potential for ongoing injury.
We don't like pain. Like the comedian said, "I have a different outlook regarding working out: no pain-no pain. If you have decided that you need a pain-free life, you are dreaming, because it is neither biblical nor realistic. Paul said, "In the world you will have tribulation…"
They should know better. Some people can offend us, but not our spouse or our parents. And yet the truth is that the people who love us the most sometimes hurt us the most.
Insecurity. We are hoping to get affirmation to build up our sagging egos. When we don't get it, we are offended.
They should talk! We see it in them, so they don't have credibility.
We don't see the benefit of criticism. In fact, going low makes grace accessible to us. When people criticize us, they are doing us a favor, because it is humbling, and it is the prelude to being exalted by God if we accept it graciously.
We are "into" control. People who attempt to control rather than to release others are offended often. They place themselves as judges of others, seeing only black and white, and the reaction of others offends their self-righteousness.
We need pain. Some people instigate offense because of their guilt. Rather than accepting the forgiveness of Christ, they punish themselves.Someone wrote a new hymn. It's called, "It Ain't Well With My Soul." This unfortunately describes many of the people in the church. We give people a "2" (in terms of potential for reaction), and we get a "7" back. That tells us that they are carrying their past along with them. There's a history. They are not reconciled with yesterday, so it makes today more difficult to bear. There's one way to deal with the past, and that is with forgiveness. Offenses not forgiven will be repeated. It is one thing to be offended, and this often happens before we stop to think about it. But it is another thing to choose to own the offense and keep it around. This outlook breaks up relationships and does great damage to the body of Christ, which Jerry engineered without realizing it.
Why do we hold onto an offense? (My friend Joe Johnson helped me here).
The offense is too great just to let go. If it were smaller, we reason that we would overlook it.
The person doesn't accept responsibility, so we think that simply dropping the case would be irresponsible of us.
The person is not asking to be forgiven, and we think wrongly that that is a prerequisite for forgiveness. (Try the first words of Jesus from the cross.)
They will offend us again. It is most difficult to let go of offenses that are repeated, such as in a marriage. A broken woman once told me, "I can forgive the past. It is the present that I struggle with."
I don't like them. It is my way of "getting even." I don't want to give them the kindness of forgiveness, so I punish them. In reality, I am punishing myself. As someone has said, "Unforgiveness is the poison I drink to hurt my offender."
They hurt me deliberately. Involuntary manslaughter is easier to forgive than deliberate words and actions. They did it with purpose.
If I let go of the offense, I will have to change.
Someone has to punish them. It might as well be me.
Something keeps me from forgiving
I'd be pretending. I don't really mean it. (And I don't want to mean it.)
I don't want to forget the offense.
I don't trust God to work it out.
The greatest example of rising above offense is, of course, Jesus. Peter wrote that "when he was reviled, he did not revile in return. When he suffered, he did not threaten, but entrusted himself to him to judges justly" (I Pe. 2:23). He never took matters into His own hands. He never chose to get even, to settle the score. He always chose to respond to God before He responded to people, and it kept Him from reacting. He wouldn't allow resentment to lodge in His soul. He gave the devil no room to launch any attacks. And Peter says that this is the way we are to live. We spend too much time reacting to people rather than responding to God. The only way to rise above offense is to die as Jesus died.
The way Jesus lived above offense was to keep His mouth shut, His heart open, and His conscience clear.
Keep the mouth shut (He did not revile in return). The first line of defense when we are attacked is to open our mouths. We don't always wait to think about it. We think after we have opened our mouths and said what we should not have said. We draw the sword to defend ourselves-and regret it later.
Keep your heart open (Jesus entrusted himself to God). The heart stays open when we look to God in trust rather than looking only to what people have done to us
Keep your conscience clear. (When He suffered, He did not threaten.) One sin does not deserve another. To sin in reaction to others does not make us innocent. We can only keep our conscience clear by protecting our heart and choosing not to be offended. How often have I heard my children saying, "They hit me first," as if one crime deserves another.
It is harmful to be offended, and more harmful to stay that way, because we are refusing to die to ourselves. We are thinking too highly of our feelings rather than going the way of the cross. We are shutting down relationships, responding in the flesh rather than with the Spirit. And we are as dangerous as a wounded bear.
Some people live with constant offense in their lives, with unhealed wounds, with ongoing resentments. It is impossible for them to have healthy relationships. Those who rise above offense are fun to be with. They are healthy enough to bring health to the table. They contribute to others rather than taking out of them. They are a river rather than a dam. They don't come to you as a needy person demanding to be filled up. They come to fill you up. They are meek, and life flows out of them. They are not afraid to ask for help, but they are interdependent rather than co-dependent, so they don't drain it out of you. But people beyond offense are living by the Spirit rather than self-effort. They are filled with grace, and it empowers them and releases others. They are willing to be weak, but they don't do it at the expense of others. It is a weakness that releases grace, not one that builds an expectation of return.
These truths came home to Jerry after a Sunday series on relationships. He realized that he had foolishly chosen to hold a grudge against Harvey for something as small as a personality difference. He knew he had to get beyond it if he was going to walk in maturity. He confessed it first to God, then to Harvey. They came to appreciate their differences on the church council and even to laugh at them.
How about making these commitments?
I choose to find security in the love of God.
I choose not to be offended, especially where I am known best (marriage, family, work, school).
I choose to turn potential wounds into an opportunity to love the one who is wounding me. I know that the deeper the wound, the deeper the grace of God. I believe that my wounds will become places for grace to be shown most powerfully.
I choose service, not survival. Dying is not an issue, but ministry is.
I choose to go low and be a slave. I will not claim rights. I will not take up other people's wounds and be offended by them.
Maybe you'd like to join me in prayer: "Dear Father, I am embarrassed at how easily I get offended. I know I am overly sensitive to what people say and do to me. And yet it is difficult for me to change. Give me grace to forgive the offenses of the past. I want to live as Jesus lived-above offense, but I know it won't come easy. I will need your empowering grace. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit, so that I can walk free from resentment and be a clear channel of your mercy and love. Through Christ my Lord, Amen."
